Crisis in the family
FIRST THREE YEARS
According to statistics, up to 40% of divorces occur in the first three years of marriage. When the two meet and fall in love, each of them focuses ... on his feelings for his lover. This makes it difficult to see a real person in him. The next step is that we unite under one roof, and then the partner turns to us on the other side: it turns out that he has his own habits. In the first year of living together, you need to develop common rules, try to live and get along with each other in everyday life. Partners can either agree (how to share household chores, earn and spend money, spend a vacation) or not. For 20-30 years, each of them has developed the habit of living according to certain rules - the rules of the parental family. These settings seem reasonable to him, and the partner’s habits, to say the least, are exotic. The question is this: how much each of them is ready to remain an individual and to remain together.
One scenario - a person bends, wanting to save his nerves. But sooner or later, the cup of his patience will be full and an explosion is inevitable. As a result, a serious conflict arises, and the matter can come to a divorce. Refusal of compromise is also bad, they say, "nothing will ever be the way you want!" There is always a third option in which you can live together, but at the same time feel your own peculiarity. Another aspect of this crisis is to fit into each other's parental families. Each spouse has an idea of how parents should behave. But the dad and mom of the partner can unnecessarily interfere in the life of a young family or not provide her any support. Relations with them also require restructuring.
The birth of a child can save the situation. Then all unresolved problems are put aside for a long time, because you need to take care of the newborn. And under these conditions, he (the child) holds the family together, saving it from decay. Further events can develop in two directions: partners conflict with each other, tension increases between them, or move away. A child is born by the third year of marriage. This is also a crisis - partners have to learn to interact with each other not only as spouses, but also as parents. They also have different educational models. One of them may consider that it is necessary to be tough with a child, the other advocates permissiveness. If until this moment young parents did not establish relations with each other’s extended families, then grandparents begin to interfere in matters of upbringing. During the birth of a child, the spouses are estranged and emotionally separated from each other, they have less time and energy to communicate, sex life often suffers . It is very important for them to learn to be a dad and mom, while remaining spouses.
SECOND CHILD AND OTHER CARES
In this situation, partners do not need to adapt to the role of parents - they already have a similar experience after the birth of their first child. But when the youngest one year old and he begins to grab the things of the older child, there is a sibling rivalry (competition between siblings). Parents are tempted to divide the children among themselves - one of them defends the eldest, the second - on the side of the younger. Such a division of children often indicates unresolved conflicts between spouses. And the battlefield moves to the children. Parents do not quarrel, and children, on the contrary, are at war with each other. In another scenario, children stop fighting, but dad and mom start to conflict. The cause of such scandals in the family are ... children. The crisis can be overcome if parents understand that the cause of tension is in their unresolved conflicts.
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
This period of family life is called the time of three crises. The first weak link is a child who has reached adolescence. And he painfully searches for answers to questions: “Who am I? What am I? ” His parents, who are under 40, have a midlife crisis. They also seek answers, but to other questions: “What have I achieved? Where I am?". The third crisis is associated with grandparents who have already retired and lost their social status. If all three generations live under one roof, the crisis resonates three times as much. Everyone in this family has their own problems, so it is difficult for them to interact with each other. Younger and older people struggle for power: adolescents need freedom, grandfathers and grandmothers need the ability to hold on to the reins of government. The secondary is becoming increasingly responsible. As a result, younger and older people can conspire against the middle ones. If at this stage of the life cycle parents could not solve the problems that were postponed due to the birth of a child, then it will be very difficult for them to let them go. Meanwhile, he begins to show his independence. He, of course, is released. But when he returns from the guests, he sees the scolding parents. Unconsciously, he picks up a signal - do not leave us, stay small. But the separation still happened and the parents were left alone. Spouses focus on each other. If they lost their marriage, replacing it completely with the fulfillment of the role of parents, it may turn out that there is nothing more between them. Their relationship is undermined by unresolved conflicts. Such a couple faces a divorce. Right now, the couple can decide to have a second child. He will seal their relationship.
The illness of a loved one is also a crisis moment in the life of a family. 40% of couples fall apart if a spouse or child is seriously ill. It is often said that one of the partners has a fear of experiencing the pain of loss - loss of health is also, in a sense, loss. But 60% of families become even stronger, because their members adapt, redistribute responsibilities and roles among themselves, and rally around the sick person.
The magic of numbers
The crisis in family life does not occur because the couple is approaching the boundary of three or seven years of marriage. It’s not the numbers to blame, but the internal need to correct the relationship. Problems that arose during a certain period of a family’s life cannot be resolved without the participation of both spouses. Only a joint assessment of the situation and the search for a solution to how to fix the situation will help to survive a difficult period, thereby strengthening the marriage.
Living in a couple is like exploring a new planet. If we do not try to enclose the other in the usual framework, but try to study it, this can be a very exciting activity.
UNDERSTANDwhat is wrong in your family life.
UNDERSTANDwhat you would like.
RATE your contribution to the current situation.
CHANGE his (contribution), then your life will also change.
Concern to crises, not as a serious test, but as a solution to a specific problem. Are you married? Time to grind to each other. Was a baby born? Learning to parenthood and so on.
How long does love live?
In the course of research, biochemists have proven: love "dies" in three years. This period is due to the concentration in the blood of the hormone of happiness - endorphin. At the time of falling in love, it reaches its maximum value, and then we experience an incredible surge of happiness in the presence of a lover. But after three years, the amount of endorphin begins to decline. Our feelings are changing: that passion is no longer in a relationship. At this moment it is extremely important to understand that there is a person nearby who is not only attracted to at a hormonal level. And the time has come to get to know him better, however paradoxical it sounds. Indeed, in the period of falling in love, we essentially "do not see" the person in relation to whom we experience strong emotions. Therefore, many take passion for love. And if the first is not there, the feelings faded, perhaps, really, is it time to look for a new partner? Biochemistry, therefore, can push for a crisis in relationships.